Marital Ethics

Marriage is the only relationship that requires nurturing. In the way a plant needs to be watered on a daily basis, this relationship demands continuous effort.

“And remind for verily reminders benefit the believers” [Quran – 51:55].

Humans tend to forget and indeed we do need reminders. And the most important area where we need reminders is in this relationship.

Gone are the days where principles and codes of conduct were taught only to girls before tying the knot. But in today’s age, we all know that boys also have to be brought up with a proper mentality.

Here, I have tried to list out some basic guidelines under three headings:
First, in general, for both men and women.
Secondly, particularly for the men and Finally, for women.

FOR BOTH:

• Be Aakhirah focussed.
• No human is perfect. Neither you nor your spouse; then why expect him/her to be perfect when we ourselves are not flawless?!
• Marriage is something in which you have to put an effort each day. It’s a “work in progress”.
• Try to become a better person and try to make your partner a better person too.
• Sometimes it’s good to get excited about what s/he is excited about, even when you don’t seem to have an interest in it.
• Consider your spouse a blessing, be thankful to Allah and you shall have more blessings in this relationship.
• When not feeling very good about this relationship, try reading the incidents of Muhammad (S) with his wives. It really helps to come out of that ill feeling.
• Always remember that it’s not you against your partner, but you both versus Shaitan.
• Be focused on your duties first, then (fight for) your rights.
• Do not talk about each other’s trivial matters in front of your family members.
• S/he is either your blessing or your trial. In both cases, tremendous rewards can be gained, either by being thankful or being patient.
• Show no dis respect towards each other or each other’s family members.
• Show them (by words and by actions) that they hold a primary place in your life.
• Give them quality time and undivided attention.
• Don’t be stubborn over anything. It might satisfy your ego for a while but in the long run, it will take you nowhere.
• As no one is perfect, the surreal of an ‘ideal’ partner does not exist.
• Enlist for each other clearly what your “just-cannot-compromise on” factors are.
• The roles of both men and women are important and distinct in their own places. Never try to role play.
• When upset with each other, change your mind, distract yourself. Change in environment helps.

FOR MEN:

• Inspire her happiness. Don’t destroy it.
• It’s not always about what you do. Sometimes (rather, many times), it’s about what you DON’T do!
• Know what status Islam has given to women. Considering her inferior, putting down her identity, is nothing but a man’s display of bad character and bad upbringing.
• Never degrade her. Can you ever think of disgracing the Azwaaj-e-Mutahharaat & Sahaabiyahs or claim them of low intellect?!
• Decisions are yours. But consulting her will do no harm to you.
• Don’t be in a company of friends who don’t respect women. Really.
• Never ever let her lose her self respect.
• Encourage her halal passions.

FOR WOMEN:

• To be understood properly, communicate effectively.
• Never ever assume that he understands your situation on his own. Men need to be TOLD!
• He likes feminity in you. Be kind and compassionate.
• He is on the driving seat in the car of your marriage. Be a quiet passenger.
• Accept that he is your “Qawwaam”. Don’t try to dominate.
• Refusing him for a physical act might lead him to pornography, adultery, masturbation, second marriage!
• Say things according to his mood. It will take some time for you to gain this wisdom.
• Demand only for necessities. Only discuss about luxuries.
• Do not imagine unpleasant scenarios; it will affect your day!