Embracing Allah’s decision

The news of my fourth pregnancy was an absolute surprise for me. The test was just a formality for the diagnosis of some treatment. I wanted my fourth child but I was not yet prepared for it. I was not prepared mentally and moreover, physically for it.

My doctor wasn’t happy too. Having a child after three C-sections was just not advised by her. I had some complications and indirectly, she pointed out to terminate this pregnancy, as according to her my life was important for my existing three children.

I told her I would have taken steps to avoid this pregnancy but now that a new life has taken a form, I would never kill it, no matter what. She tried to convince me by all means, all sorts of health dangers I could encounter. I told her I would continue with it.

I returned home and lay on the bed straight for hours, without moving a bit, trying to figure out how I would cope up with it. I was just not ready for it. My mind started to imagine all possible negative scenarios. I just prayed to Allah and I strongly believed, If He has given me this, it would be better for me and He would definitely ease it for me; and maybe this was an aazmayish for me, in which case I have to bear it with sabr.

It was a tough pregnancy, a bitter phase of my life. But I learnt many lessons during this period. And I learned that we don’t know how strong we are until being strong is the only option we have. My positivity and utmost faith in Allah’s decisions helped me throughout.

In each visit to the doctor, she would say something negative, something scary. Things like “I don’t guarantee that you will come out of the operation theatre alive”, etc. I ignored her words and never ever doubted my decision to have this baby. I was of the view that if it was written in my fate to die of this cause, nothing will stop me.
For others around, it was just another pregnancy; but for me, it was a big deal. I had constant pain inside me throughout my pregnancy. I felt like I would faint all the time. Two of my children went to school and I had a toddler at home. I was more concerned about his safety, as I feared to get unconscious during the day in other members’ absence. I used to sleep with my phone in my hands with my husband’s contact on the screen, so I could make an emergency call to him at any moment.

In the 6th month, I was told my baby might have some brain deformity. I didn’t pay any heed to it and neither did I google that condition. I just trusted Allah and told myself that Allah will not burden me beyond my capacity.
Things got worse. I was on bed rest. My children and I survived on bread and jam all the days. Help didn’t come from those I helped in need. Having friends and family in the world didn’t help. I was all alone.

I hoped for the best but I was also prepared for the worst. I was not concerned about my children. If they were destined to live their lives without me, they will, I knew. I was now just concerned about my good deeds. I completed a couple of my missed fasts and informed my husband of money related matters.

In the latter stages of my pregnancy, I was told that my baby’s brain problem didn’t exist anymore! Alhamdulillah!
Finally, I had my baby. A girl – Allah gave me what I desired. A healthy and normal baby. Alhamdulillah, everything went fine.

Giving you things and taking away things from you is a part of Allah’s wisdom and Allah’s wisdom is most Supreme.